BettyBlogHead

It is amazing how one little comment can mess up your whole night. The being alone part had not hit me till this evening...petchell said it eventually would. Well I guess tonight was the night. My love life may be in the shitter but tonight it seems like my whole life is in there. I have always felt the need to be "connected" to someone at all times. That is why I do not ever think I could be alone. I have not had to be either. But since I have made some changes it is inevitable. I want to be stronger...but I can't...at least not right now. I need the constant reminder that I am important to someone somewhere at all times. This isn't how it should be though...I need to be me and be happy about it...I just thought that it would be a little different.
As for my sissy's blog...I loved it. I do not agree on one thing though...well partially. I do agree that a regret means it is probably something that we should not want to do again because....hello that is why we call it a regret. But I do not "regret" doing any of my mistakes...sure they weren't the best thing to do but...I believe they have shaped and molded me into the person I am today. I attribute alot of my good qualities to the bad times I inflicted upon myself.
As for mom...I really am sorry we had to fight today...do you know how upsetting it is to hear that it really doesn't matter if you parents see you or not. I just thought that I would always have my family and friends around even if John was not. I guess I was wrong. I know that you think I am slipping back but I am not. I am looking for and finding that perfect medium were I can keep up with school yet not stress myself so I do not have a blow out. I hope you can read this and take comfort in knowing that I am a different person now who is much more self aware. I am not going to tell you again that I am fine,not to worry, and that I am not going back to my old ways...I feel that if you do not believe me yet (after may discussion about this) then you will never believe so I will cease trying. I hope you realize that what I wanted out of spring break was a chance to get away from school with my best friend and come see my family...why else would I spend it in Yuma. I am at a period in my life where I am constantly needing to be around people to get through it. Though you'd have gotten that. I do love you...sorry I get angry.
Finally the best for last. I heard today that my niece Mallory is a munchkin in Wizard of Oz at school and that my other niece Sydney has finally become a math wizard at school. I am so proud of all that they do. I love them so much and can not wait to see them. I do believe it is because they have the best mother...my sissy!